Under Construction

Personal Journal Entry-August 21, 2008

I’m forever conflicted with what to do; perpetually at war within myself; at war with the world outside me.  I’m never free of this war, indeed.  How is it that a Spirit-filled Christian woman, who knows the Word, who has an intense fear to be outside the will of God, who seeks obedience regardless of positive feelings in return, who counsels others in the ways of forgiveness, healing, peace, trusting God, and being devoted to His Word; a woman who feels called to helped others, especially women overcome, not just survive abuse and sin and strongholds; how is it that she fears her own capacity to sin, and rebel in outright disobedience to God; how is it that she finds herself now in a darker place than she ever thought possible?  Or maybe she’s always known this was a possibility, and gradually allowed herself to finally succumb to this demon’ s hand that has always been at her heal, pulling, and clawing, and trying to drag her down into the pit she so desperately has tried to get out, and stay out of?

Should she, as a Christian, know what she ought to do to overcome this?  She’s fed her flesh for so long, and totally starved her Spirit that it’s no wonder she finds herself here now.  Logically, and biblically it calls for repentance, for prayer, for allowing the Word of God to transform her from the inside out by the renewing of her mind.  She has known that kind of power, that kind of freedom before. She’s known God’s unswerving faithfulness, and grace. He alone is Truth. He alone has the power to make totally new a life.  The Word of God alone has the power to discern thoughts, to divide bone and marrow, to pierce hearts, to discern the intent of the heart, to make true, deep, and lasting change. 

I feel so incongruent; hypocritical; fake.  I hate that. What I hate the most is that looking back over my entire life I can honestly say that I’ve never truly felt content; felt whole; felt congruent, like what I felt on the inside is what others saw on the outside, and what others saw on the outside was fully representative of what was on the inside.

As passionate, zealous, and obedient as I’ve been, and as at peace and content as I’ve been at times, I’ve always had these things inside me that are so dark, and that I feel so ashamed of  I don’t speak of them to anyone.  I say, “everyone has struggles, things they deal with, I just need to keep pressing on…” However true that may be I don’t want to take another step in this Christian race of life with this ball and chain of guilt, shame, sin, and stronghold in my heart.