Archive for Thinking Out Loud

On Freedom

July 26, 2009 at 8:21 pm · Filed under Battle, Faith, Lessons Learned, Life, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged , , , ,

Can freedom (Biblical, personal freedom) ever truly exist in one’s life?  I’ve heard and believed all my life that knowing Christ, who is the ultimate Truth, will set us free.  I’ve known Christ, and at times incredibly intimately nearly my whole life.  I have also known addiction, people pleasing, fear, depression, rebellion, immense pain, unforgiveness, struggle, sin, disobedience, anger, self-hatred, and doubt.  Some would say it is because of the fall. So, did that annihilate freedom?  Can it still be found?  I’ve known people well that seem to live in this freedom every day. They have won the battle with alcoholism, heartache, or sexual promiscuity. They have had real life struggles, and today they seem filled with joy as if those things never happened, yet when asked about them they are still very near in memory, and sometimes in pain, perhaps even regret. Still, they seem to possess something of freedom that I do not. Why?

Perhaps it is how we define freedom that makes the difference. I certainly do not believe the Bible to tell us that freedom is escape, be it from pain, or rejection, or trouble.  In fact, it told us the complete opposite: “in this life you will have trouble” (John 16:33a).  Yet, it also tells us that “….where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom: (2 Cor 3:17).

Webster defines freedom this way: the quality or state of being free: as a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another:  independence c: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous d: ease; facility e: the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken f: improper familiarity g: boldness of conception or execution h: unrestricted use

I often wonder if the people who are all smiles, all laughter and no tears, and seem to have Romans 8:28 tattooed on their forehead are really living in freedom, or are they just hiding their pain? In denial about their shame? I believe them to be some of the most addicted (to pleasing others, to hiding, to coping through denial-we all have our addictions), and lost of all because only in coming face-to-face with the reality of our failures, sins, hurts, shame – our broken humanness – can we then allow freedom to rise up from within those places.  I heard it said that when it was asked of a monk why the Scriptures say to write the Words of God upon our hearts, and not in them the monk replied, “Because only when our hearts are broken can the words fall inside. “

Bolded are the definitions I find to be most accurate in the Christian life; in any life, but it only comes through relationship with Christ.  If I am free from addiction then I have been released of the need for it, I am not coerced by it, nor am I constrained by it. It no longer holds power over me; I am not enslaved to it.  The last bolded statement is what I believe to be the response by one who has experienced this freedom. 

 I believe one who is free to be painfully aware of one’s own failures, addictions, self-serving desires and actions, aware of one’s own woundedness, humanness and utter need for One greater than oneself, yet not to be enslaved to the addiction or hurt, not needing it to survive or to cope, being out from under its power – that is where I believe authenticity arises, and you are then able to truly be “frank, open, and outspoken.” I don’t mean outspoken like a protester, but outspoken in that one no longer has the need to hide parts of oneself, to feel ashamed, to be different on the outside than the real self on the inside, to present outwardly to people that which is only perceived as being acceptable, loveable, forgiveable.

I suppose I’m having trouble coming to terms with the fact that freedom does not mean that I won’t, possibly for the rest of my life struggle with the same things over and over again. Why else would Paul declare in such frustration that he does the things he doesn’t want to do, and can’t seem to do the things he knows he ought to do?  We dare not say that Paul wasn’t “free,” and still his struggle remained.  What if, church people, the thorn in Paul’s flesh was lust? What if it was depression? What if it was doubt? Would we still see Paul as this ever-faithful, never-doubting, always enduring Saint?

I wonder if God did not leave the thorn in Paul’s flesh ambiguous in His Word because we all share that thorn in one way or another.  We do not know the reason for the thorn. Oh, sure we can speculate that it was to keep Paul humble or to teach him some sort of grand lesson.  Whatever the thorn (or thorns) you or I may have I know one thing to be for certain: it stands as an ever-present and painful reminder that I NEED JESUS.  I need him to lean on when the pain from the thorn is too intense.  I need him to heal the wound around the thorn so that I do not react out of pain, and the pain does not consume and control me. I need him to give me a reason to keep going in spite of the thorn.  I need him to help me learn how to live with the thorn, and not live because of the thorn.  I need him to release me of the need to focus on the thorn, and instead to have the freedom to focus solely on him.

Paul’s thorn was given to him by God and it was there to stay. I believe we have God-given thorns, and we have thorns we have put in ourselves. Regardless of the reason, the thorns, at least the God-given ones remain. Paul had his thorn when he died. The reality of it never left him, and I’m quite certain the thorn, or the affects of it were not always hidden from others, yet Paul was free indeed.

Freedom is not the absence of things negative, but the eradication of the power to be bound by them, and the release to live beyond them.

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Chew on this…

July 12, 2009 at 11:16 am · Filed under Lessons Learned, Life, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged , ,

So here’s a thought: our fears are learned. 

I’m still not sure I know the root of my arachnophobia although I can recount several instances where the loathsome creature scared the snot out me.

John B. Watson really gave us a lot of insight into this sort of thing even though poor little Albert was never the same.  Whether it is a creepy crawly thing, a person, or any other unconditioned stimulus, because it was somewhere along the way connected with what is often a negative stimulus, we thus learned (and learn) our fears.  Some are insignificant while others hinder our lives in greater ways than we most likely realize often because we’ve lived with them for so long.  Once the responses of these conditioned stimuli are internalized we find ourselves overreacting to what anyone else would let roll off their back. An example from my own life follows:

The sound of a garage door opening – harmless, right?  No cause for fear or any kind of emotion or reaction for that matter.  It is a neutral, or unconditioned stimulus.  However, when repeatedly paired with a negative stimulus (my dad’s daily belittling, interrigating, predictably unpredictable anger) my response then become conditioned.

This conditioning doesn’t have to be negative.  For one person a garage opening might mean dad is coming home: he will walk in smiling with arms open to give and receive the love from his child he’s missed all day while away at work.  Thus the garage opening means love, safety, warmth, happiness. 

For me the garage door opening meant dad is coming home: he will walk in with a frown on his angry, weary, wounded  face to his child who inevitably screwed something up in the two hours she’s been home from school.  There is a glass on the kitchen counter; the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded; the marks the vacuum leaves on the carpet are perceived to give the impression that the carpet was not thoroughly cleaned; and the TV is on.  One or a combination of these dreadful things results in a rarely comprehensible degrading of the daughter he’s been away from all day, yet clearly has not missed. Thus, the sound of a garage door opening elicits, to this day, a sense of dread, of fear that rises up from the depths of my being as I scurry around to check (although I have a hundred times already) if things are just in order the way I think he might like them today. 

I hope that one day I can be reconditioned to feel excitement, love, and security when a garage door opening means my husband is coming home to greet me with a hug, a kiss, and genuine, “I missed you. How was your day, baby?”  

It isn’t so hard to understand PTSD after all.  Never judge ones seemingly irrational or hypersensitive reaction to an event, person, or circumstance by your own neutrality to the situation.  One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that people do things for reasons. What if, instead of making judgements or telling them to “get over it because it’s not that big a deal” we sought to understand where they’re coming from and walk alongside them in their fear (or anger, or sadness or whatever it may be) we could become the new “stimulus” to that fear (etc.)?  What if we could, by our love and understanding, recondition what was so traumatic in ones life to something positive, and bring peace?  That is part of what good therapy can do, but ultimately that is what our relationship with God does – if only we give Him the chance.

What fears have you learned?  What are you doing to help alleviate someone else’s?

“Do not hold strong opinions about things you do not understand, or wish to understand.”

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Confession: I absolutely LOVE Gilmore Girls, and this is one reason why…

July 6, 2009 at 7:59 pm · Filed under Random, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged ,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPrkYGTvRGU&feature=related

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Dear John

March 30, 2009 at 4:12 pm · Filed under Nothing Much, Ranting, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged , ,

Dear John Tesh,

My officemate and I listen to you at work from ten in the morning until three in the afternoon when your show is on.  That’s right, for five hours.

I give you credit for playing a variety of artists.  I can hear anyone from Phil Collins, to Carrie Underwood, to Celine Dion, to Chicago, to The Police, to Aerosmith, to Jason Mraz, to Eric Clapton, to Gavin Rossdale…However, variety is sorely lacking in the the area of songs from these artists.  Aerosmith had more hits than “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.”  Phil Collins had more hits than “You’ll be in my Heart.”  The Police had more hits than “I’ll be Watching You.”  Jason Mraz has more hits than “I’m Yours,” and Eric Clapton, seriously, you can’t pull a song other than “Layla” or “Tears in Heaven?”  All these songs are lovely, but five hours, five days a week of the same thirty songs?  That’s not variety John. 

And I bet you that if I listen to and obey all of the “Intelligence for Your Life” tidbits I will most likely die way before I’m 100.  Even though there are some good tips, and some decent info in what you share it is mostly commons sense stuff.  It disturbs me that some people comment on your show as if surprised to learn that if you sleep for at least eight hours a night, and get regular exercise you will have more energy and be generally healthier.  People don’t know that?  They have to learn it from your show?  Well, I guess it’s a good thing you’re telling them then.  

One more thing, John.  Just because one person in one university, or one person in a foreign country somewhere did one study (usually with a very small sample population) that yielded some results  it does not produce solid enough data to pass on for people to run their lives by.   

John, you do a good job with your show. I’m incredibly thankful for the opportunity to listen to five hours of clean music, and deejaying during the week. All I’m asking for is a little more variety in song choices, and a little more effort on the research. 

Sincerely,
Leslie and fellow listeners of our “official at work station.”

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Brief Ranting

February 22, 2009 at 2:22 pm · Filed under Faith, Growing Pains, Life, Ranting, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged , , ,

I’m so very tired and sick of the church (generally speaking of course, there are always exceptions) acting like they have everything together, or even if admittedly they do not, they say unconvincingly things like, “Well you know I’m going through something, but God is faithful,” or they smile while quoting Romans 8:28 as if they’re trying to comfort you, and not bother you with what’s burdening them.  I’ve heard it said about people in ministry that they do not have the luxury of having a bad day (meaning in front of people anyway).  When in the world did we get the idea that pretending to those we minister to is a good idea? No wonder non-Christians can’t stand us!  No wonder we seem fake to them.  We are.
 
I’m so just tired of people pretending on the outside that even though they may have some things going on they are doing fine because the Lord’s in control when inside their heart might be ripping apart because of sin, or trial, or temptation, or depression etc.  Obviously there are safe people in your life to open up to about such things, and you’re not going to tell most people what’s in your heart (that’s just using wisdom), but shouldn’t you be able to with some?  Really if the church functioned as I believe the Lord would have it, you could share with any brother or sister without fear of judgement, or receiving a trite, or contrived “answer” to your “problem.” 
Praise God for those genuine Christians who aren’t afraid of a little vulnerability.  How refreshing.

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Refreshing Water

February 19, 2009 at 12:24 pm · Filed under Faith, Lessons Learned, Ranting, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged

People are thirsty for truth.  Whether or not you realize it, or admit it, we are all seeking truth; we have been built in such a way to desire it. We try and find it in politics, news, journals, research, religion, friendships, books, music, T.V., celebrities, the Internet, work, nature, science, math, psychology, philosophy, and the like. 

Who am I?
Where did I come from, and where am I going?
Who am I becoming?
What’s my purpose?
Is there more to life than what I can see, feel, taste, touch, and smell?
How do I do life?
     -What’s right and wrong, and who decides?
     -Do I marry? Who do I marry? Does it matter? How do you define marriage?
     -Why do I make the decisions I do?
     -What are my motives, and are they good or bad; can they change?
     -How do I know which job to take?
     -Is there a right and a wrong to certain things?
          *relationships
          *raising kids
          *handling the hurts of life
               -dealing with anger, violence, abuse, rejection, betrayal, neglect
          *conduct myself at home, work, school, social settings etc.
     -What is character? Who defines it? Does it matter?
     -Is science the end-all for finding and defining truth?
     -What is truth, and who defines it?  Can it change? Can it be known?
     -Is truth universal? Is it relative?
     -Why is it glorified in one culture to use suicide bombing as a means to an end, and in another culture it is a sad motive, and horrific act of murder?
     -Why is it that our stomachs turn at the thought of a child in Rwanda being raped, tortured, shot and killed, yet we rip apart unborn babies justifiably?

If truth is relative, then it’s okay for me to steal from you, but don’t you dare come into my house; it’s okay for you to lie, but I had better tell you the truth; it’s okay for me to kill off a certain group of people for my own reasons, yet you had better not declare war on my own kind; it’s okay for a child to cheat on a test in school; it’s okay for a teacher to hit the child who cheated on the test.

Do you get the point? If truth is relative, if it’s something that changes based on the individual, based on circumstances, based on group think, based on feelings, based on who’s in charge, then ANYTHING GOES! There are no rules, and the world in thrown into a chaos that it cannot recover from.

This post is unfinished.

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Untitled

January 28, 2009 at 2:57 pm · Filed under Growing Pains, Ranting, Thinking Out Loud

“Ah!” and “uffda” are the only two words currently coming to mind. I even looked up some word in attempts to verbalize my insides, but to no avail. I remain feeling, well…unverbalizable…how’s that?  I don’t like this, not one bit. I think I may speak to a dear lady at my church who always seems to know all the things you’re feeling and thinking just by passing by you in the commons. It can be a bit freaky, but wonderful all at the same time. I’m not expecting this from her, but I do desperately want her anointed, powerful prayer to wash over me. 

That’s all.

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Getting “Unstuck”

January 22, 2009 at 11:47 am · Filed under Faith, Growing Pains, Lessons Learned, Life, Thinking Out Loud, Uncategorized ·Tagged , , , ,

jen-and-ccmi-worshipimg_6048I”ve never had the dream where I’m trying to from run 
something, and it all seems as if it’s in slow motion like running
through thick mud.  I have, however,  felt that way over the
past year emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. 

Tuesday night may have indeed been an eye-opening
moment in my living dream of thick mud.  I attended the night
session of the Southeastern Calvary Chapel Pastor’s
 Conference at CCMI.

This may sound weird to those of you ”un-churched,” or perhaps especially to those of you who are churched.  Suffice it to say that this is not a bunch of pious men standing on stage behind a big pulpit looking down on all us sinner peons telling us how we should be living our lives differently.   This is a group of incredibly humble, honest, intelligent, and passionate men living out the Truth that the Word of God has taught them in life. These are men who have made mistakes, hurt others, and been hurt, betrayed, and the like.  You know, like the rest of us.  One thing that usually makes us different is that they get up again, and keep running the race, where as I have the tendency to stay where I was last defeated.  I praise God for these men, these servants, these teachers.

Story shorter: the combination of a second mini memorial-type service for Mary, the most genuine, for lack of better word, time of worship I’ve experienced in a long time – where at times my eyes would open to fall upon one of the most beautifully touching scenes on Earth: an entire church family lifting their hands lovingly, submissively, and humbly to the Lord, and having one of my closest friends on stage doing the same (my eyes are wet with tears even now) – the most down-to-earth, genuine, powerful message I’ve heard in years, and being surrounded by people I love so dearly it hurts, and knowing I am loved in return; the Spirit of God brought these things together in my heart, and I believe He “unstuck” me. Thank You, Father.  I still have a long way to go, and I’m certainly not running yet, but by God’s grace as I begin again to sow into my spirit I believe I will run again.

The though of leaving that place, and especially going to work the next morning having my day filled with none of that evening’s touch, was incredible disheartening.  Lord, teach me to commune with You in each moment, for no day set on You could ever be disheartening.

“I am glad about the coming of [the Pastor's Conference] for what was lacking on [my] your part they supplied. For they refreshed my spirit and yours. ” Corinthians 16:17-18

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Stuck

January 19, 2009 at 5:41 pm · Filed under Growing Pains, Life, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged ,

How many times do we hear, especially if we’ve grown up in church, about hanging on to and pursuing your dreams, your passions, the things that burn in your heart to do?  We hear sermons on going after them, and walking by faith, not by sight.  All of these things are good…

…but what if your heart has dried up?  What if you haven’t an ounce left of the things that used to stir your heart, that kept you going?  Even as I listen to Mary’s final recorded lyrics, “In my heart is an empty place that needs You….only You have Words of life. You stir my heart with Your love…” they resound within my soul. I know I’m empty, and nothing without Him. I know I have Him, so why do I feel dryer, and more stuck than I ever have in my life? 

Jim King spoke at P. Malcolm’s 25th anniversary/church service last night, and his words hit home.  Ah, but see, even there…his words were SO true of my life (I’m reaping what I’ve sown over the last ten months, which has not been predominately seeds of my spirit) and I’m telling you they “hit home,” but even when I knew what he was speaking was true of my life, I barely felt emotion, I barely felt my heart shift.  Forget that we’re not to go through life following our emotions, but for heaven’s sake there ought to be SOME.  It’s like I sat there listening to him, and in my head I thought “thank you, Lord, that is so true…”  and that’s it. Nothing. My mind knows it’s true, but somehow the vital distance between my head and heart seems to have infinitely grown, and I’m not sure what to do about it. 

When I was in school I was constantly working toward something, and there was graduation to look forward to, and life after college.  When I was burning for ministry, mission trips, and the total dependence on God to bring all of that to fruition I had purpose. When I thought I could finally have my own place again I find out I can’t afford it. I can’t even move out.  If ever I have felt “stuck”- baffled by a problem or unable to find an answer to a question; at a standstill, bereft of ideas, up against a brick wall, at your wits’ end, it would be now.  If I go down into the depths of me I cannot find any reality of a dream or a vision or a purpose to go after right now.  Not even a string of the rope  I knew to be the call of God on my life that I somehow let unravel over the past several months.  

” Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.”  Galatians 6:7-8

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Perspective 32A

December 4, 2008 at 12:03 am · Filed under Blessings, Faith, Lessons Learned, Making Memories and Other Fun Stuff, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged , , , ,

Written 11/7/08 after arriving in Utahfrom-the-airplane

I always love flying into Salt Lake.  There’s something  slightly indescribable about flying over the Colorado Rockies, and on into Utah.  After looking down the entire range of the snow covered Rockies you approach the snow-capped Wasatch range of Utah.  There’s a point where you break over the mountains and into the Salt Lake Valley.  It’s gorgeous.  Although it wasn’t the case this time, nothing compares to flying in at sunset.  As you descend the sun seems to set perpetually as it glows on the mountains, and on the Great Salt Lake. 

When I fly I am always overcome by the creativity, the majesty, and complexity of God’s creation.  I’m also humbled, and in awe of His great sovereignty.  When the plane is approaching the destination airport, and we lose altitude I begin to see the smallest glimpse of just how big God really is.  As I sit in seat 32A I can see miles and miles of highway, thousands of houses, cars, places of business etc., I’m stunned at how much God really has in control. I can watch a particular car and wonder if there is a family in it, or a dad coming home from work, or a mom running to the grocery store. I can look down that same road for miles and see exactly what they are driving toward.  In a sense I can see their future. 

Isn’t that God’s perspective, but on a much larger scale?  I don’t know the driver I watch far below me, but if I saw that they were headed towards danger, and I could warn them I would do everything I could to get a message to them to stop.  Would you not do the same?  How much more does our Father in Heaven do?  His life, death, and His Word to us…do you really dare to ask for more? 

When it seems like He’s distant, remember that His perspective is one we cannot even fathom.  He’s sees things we cannot.  He perceives things we cannot.  He orchestrates things no human can touch.  The bigness of God is like my trying to explain to an ant what an airplane is.  The ant has not even a point of reference to begin to attempt to understand the largeness of the machine, how it works, why it works the way it does, yet it may at its basic understanding know that its function is to move people  in it; it is safe.

We may not be much better than an ant, but God is so much more than an airplane.  We cannot; we MUST not view God by earthly, human terms.  Although He gives us the love of a mother, or the provision of a father, or the kindness of a stranger to show His character, we have no business try to bring Him down to a faulty, earthly reference point.  We first seek to understand God through our miserable means, then we blame Him when He doesn’t act in the way we thought He should, as if we have a clue.  How arrogant we are at times with the Lord.  Truly it is a wonder He allows us to take our next breath the way we treat Him, and even more disturbingly how we represent Him to others.

So, the next time you have no clue what He’s up to, or you’re wondering if He’s even involved at all remember the 32A perspective, and trust Him.  Trust Him with everything in you – not because you feel  like it, but because He’s worth being trusted.  

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