Sorry, Mary. I cried. I saw Joe today, and then I cried some more. I’m still not sure my head can make sense of the indelible way you touched me in such a short time. Something inside of you spoke to something inside of me in a language I cannot understand. It’s just as fresh today. It somehow gives me hope, and pushes me towards the Father. I love you, sweet sister.
Oh, and Chopper came to say hi today, too.
Personal Journal Entry-August 21, 2008
I’m forever conflicted with what to do; perpetually at war within myself; at war with the world outside me. I’m never free of this war, indeed. How is it that a Spirit-filled Christian woman, who knows the Word, who has an intense fear to be outside the will of God, who seeks obedience regardless of positive feelings in return, who counsels others in the ways of forgiveness, healing, peace, trusting God, and being devoted to His Word; a woman who feels called to helped others, especially women overcome, not just survive abuse and sin and strongholds; how is it that she fears her own capacity to sin, and rebel in outright disobedience to God; how is it that she finds herself now in a darker place than she ever thought possible? Or maybe she’s always known this was a possibility, and gradually allowed herself to finally succumb to this demon’ s hand that has always been at her heal, pulling, and clawing, and trying to drag her down into the pit she so desperately has tried to get out, and stay out of?
Should she, as a Christian, know what she ought to do to overcome this? She’s fed her flesh for so long, and totally starved her Spirit that it’s no wonder she finds herself here now. Logically, and biblically it calls for repentance, for prayer, for allowing the Word of God to transform her from the inside out by the renewing of her mind. She has known that kind of power, that kind of freedom before. She’s known God’s unswerving faithfulness, and grace. He alone is Truth. He alone has the power to make totally new a life. The Word of God alone has the power to discern thoughts, to divide bone and marrow, to pierce hearts, to discern the intent of the heart, to make true, deep, and lasting change.
I feel so incongruent; hypocritical; fake. I hate that. What I hate the most is that looking back over my entire life I can honestly say that I’ve never truly felt content; felt whole; felt congruent, like what I felt on the inside is what others saw on the outside, and what others saw on the outside was fully representative of what was on the inside.
As passionate, zealous, and obedient as I’ve been, and as at peace and content as I’ve been at times, I’ve always had these things inside me that are so dark, and that I feel so ashamed of I don’t speak of them to anyone. I say, “everyone has struggles, things they deal with, I just need to keep pressing on…” However true that may be I don’t want to take another step in this Christian race of life with this ball and chain of guilt, shame, sin, and stronghold in my heart.
My heart aches for so many things. Lord, are they desires You’ve given me? Are they selfish things that I want? Oh, how I need Your wisdom to discern the truth. I only want Your thoughts, I only want Your dreams in my heart.
I have no idea what anything means anymore. School, Germany, mission work, music, writing, counseling, friends, finding the man you want me to marry, moving out, staying at my job for however long, changing jobs, working at church, volunteering more at church, publishing Divorce Support for Teens material, buy Photoshop, and Publisher, the vocal training software, going to TN for a weekend alone with You, going to Germany with Fusion next summer, and staying, going with Jen and Nate, and staying, what book to read, what to study in Your Word, how to help Sharon, how to share Your love, Your Truth with the sweet girls at work, how to bless my family and friends, how to support missionaries, how to raise my own support for Germany, learning the German language, working with excellence in ALL things, including my job, not wasting company time, how to be content yet thriving and passionate, preparing for, and looking ahead to the future, writing music, Joyful Noise Ministry, how to be a wife, and a mother…
These are the things (and more) inside of me, and around me that I’m asking You to sort out, to prioritize, to heal, to change, to grow, to equip me with, and use to make me more like Your Son, to please You, and serve You the way You deserve to be served.
A week ago I celebrated the one-year anniversary of my surgery. Okay, so I didn’t really celebrate rather I’m still disheartened, and frustrated that after a whole stinking year there is still pain when bending it forward and backward, and when putting pressure on it. Seriously folks, what the heck?
Also, my fibromyalgia has been really acting up over the last two weeks, and I don’t know why. I haven’t felt this bad for this long in years.
I guess that’s what getting old is all about, I mean I am turning 27 in two months. 
| January 30 | ||
| And when the centurion which stood over against him, saw that he so cried out, and gave up the ghost, he said, Truly this man was the Son of God. | ||
| Mark 15:39 | ||
| It was in the Lord’s death that the centurion found life. It was in the time of darkness that he saw the light. ‘Lord,’ we cry, ‘if you loved Me enough to die for me, if the veil was rent to open the way for me, then why am I going through this difficulty, this tragedy?’ ‘Because there are centurions watching,’ He declares. ‘And they will see My light in your dark days.’ Dear saint, if you want to be used by God, there is no other way than to go through disappointment, difficulty, and pain in order that people might relate to you, observe you, and see by the reality of Jesus in your life that He truly is the Son of God. People are not convinced of His reality when they see us sailing through easy times and prosperous days. Such times cause only envy and cynicism. When people are truly touched is when they see us navigating adversity and difficulty all the while trusting the Lord (2 Corinthians 1:4). This centurion was won, saved, converted not because he was one of the 5,000 eating bread and fish in the sunlight, but because he saw Jesus in the darkness. |
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| This Daily Devotional is an excerpt from the book “A Days Journey” by Pastor Jon. “A Days Journey” is a collection of 365 short devotions from the New Testatment. www.joncourson.com |
“Ah!” and “uffda” are the only two words currently coming to mind. I even looked up some word in attempts to verbalize my insides, but to no avail. I remain feeling, well…unverbalizable…how’s that? I don’t like this, not one bit. I think I may speak to a dear lady at my church who always seems to know all the things you’re feeling and thinking just by passing by you in the commons. It can be a bit freaky, but wonderful all at the same time. I’m not expecting this from her, but I do desperately want her anointed, powerful prayer to wash over me.
That’s all.
I”ve never had the dream where I’m trying to from run
something, and it all seems as if it’s in slow motion like running
through thick mud. I have, however, felt that way over the
past year emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
Tuesday night may have indeed been an eye-opening
moment in my living dream of thick mud. I attended the night
session of the Southeastern Calvary Chapel Pastor’s
Conference at CCMI.
This may sound weird to those of you ”un-churched,” or perhaps especially to those of you who are churched. Suffice it to say that this is not a bunch of pious men standing on stage behind a big pulpit looking down on all us sinner peons telling us how we should be living our lives differently. This is a group of incredibly humble, honest, intelligent, and passionate men living out the Truth that the Word of God has taught them in life. These are men who have made mistakes, hurt others, and been hurt, betrayed, and the like. You know, like the rest of us. One thing that usually makes us different is that they get up again, and keep running the race, where as I have the tendency to stay where I was last defeated. I praise God for these men, these servants, these teachers.
Story shorter: the combination of a second mini memorial-type service for Mary, the most genuine, for lack of better word, time of worship I’ve experienced in a long time – where at times my eyes would open to fall upon one of the most beautifully touching scenes on Earth: an entire church family lifting their hands lovingly, submissively, and humbly to the Lord, and having one of my closest friends on stage doing the same (my eyes are wet with tears even now) – the most down-to-earth, genuine, powerful message I’ve heard in years, and being surrounded by people I love so dearly it hurts, and knowing I am loved in return; the Spirit of God brought these things together in my heart, and I believe He “unstuck” me. Thank You, Father. I still have a long way to go, and I’m certainly not running yet, but by God’s grace as I begin again to sow into my spirit I believe I will run again.
The though of leaving that place, and especially going to work the next morning having my day filled with none of that evening’s touch, was incredible disheartening. Lord, teach me to commune with You in each moment, for no day set on You could ever be disheartening.
“I am glad about the coming of [the Pastor's Conference] for what was lacking on [my] your part they supplied. For they refreshed my spirit and yours. ” Corinthians 16:17-18
How many times do we hear, especially if we’ve grown up in church, about hanging on to and pursuing your dreams, your passions, the things that burn in your heart to do? We hear sermons on going after them, and walking by faith, not by sight. All of these things are good…
…but what if your heart has dried up? What if you haven’t an ounce left of the things that used to stir your heart, that kept you going? Even as I listen to Mary’s final recorded lyrics, “In my heart is an empty place that needs You….only You have Words of life. You stir my heart with Your love…” they resound within my soul. I know I’m empty, and nothing without Him. I know I have Him, so why do I feel dryer, and more stuck than I ever have in my life?
Jim King spoke at P. Malcolm’s 25th anniversary/church service last night, and his words hit home. Ah, but see, even there…his words were SO true of my life (I’m reaping what I’ve sown over the last ten months, which has not been predominately seeds of my spirit) and I’m telling you they “hit home,” but even when I knew what he was speaking was true of my life, I barely felt emotion, I barely felt my heart shift. Forget that we’re not to go through life following our emotions, but for heaven’s sake there ought to be SOME. It’s like I sat there listening to him, and in my head I thought “thank you, Lord, that is so true…” and that’s it. Nothing. My mind knows it’s true, but somehow the vital distance between my head and heart seems to have infinitely grown, and I’m not sure what to do about it.
When I was in school I was constantly working toward something, and there was graduation to look forward to, and life after college. When I was burning for ministry, mission trips, and the total dependence on God to bring all of that to fruition I had purpose. When I thought I could finally have my own place again I find out I can’t afford it. I can’t even move out. If ever I have felt “stuck”- baffled by a problem or unable to find an answer to a question; at a standstill, bereft of ideas, up against a brick wall, at your wits’ end, it would be now. If I go down into the depths of me I cannot find any reality of a dream or a vision or a purpose to go after right now. Not even a string of the rope I knew to be the call of God on my life that I somehow let unravel over the past several months.
” Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.” Galatians 6:7-8
Written 11/10/08 in Utah
“…My soul thirsts for you; My flesh longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water,”
Psalm 63:1.
I never feel as alone as I do when I travel to Utah. I feel as though I travel into the past taking along my ever-growing, ever-changing self. This self does not belong. This self is unknown to everyone still residing here. It comforts me to know that at least one friend in particular, though our lives are becoming increasingly, vastly different still remains a close friend indeed. We agree on much less than we used to; we disagree on much more than we used to; we have little in common these days, but we have too much history, and too solid a friendship to let any of that really matter. I thank God for that.
My faith is not tested by any greater means than being here. The memories (largely negative), the lack of common faith, the absence of anything resembling what my life has become proves to be intensely lonely. There is no fellowship here, and it takes my being here to realize how I take friendship with fellow believers for granted. I take going to church, Fusion, listening to teaching online etc., all for granted. It amazes me how much simply being living in a town with your Christ-following friends are can be hugely encouraging. There rarely is much time that goes by where I am not somehow encouraged, lifted up, challenged or held accountable. Even if it simply means getting an email from, or talking on the phone to a brother or sister who shares my faith it proves to be sustaining a flow of the Spirit’s strength I do not even realize is a constant in my everyday life. There is much to be said about daily interaction with fellow Christ followers. Please, do not take it for granted.
I have been spiritually stretched, challenged, tried, and pushed on mission trips. I have been tested through relationships, and through circumstances. I have been severely attacked in ministry. Yet none of these is without some sort of support-tangible, in-person support and guidance. My faith is tested in unmatched ways here because: It is all familiar, semi-predictable so that I can lean on past experiences instead of God’s fresh strength and perspective for today. I have no spiritually support here save the Holy Spirit Himself, and He is more than sufficient. The Lord is my strength, and my shield; He is my defense. He is all I need, and I am never more reminded of that than when I am here, when I have no representation of Him, but it is then I am forced to draw solely upon His Word, and communion with Him. I often take fellowship with others as fellowship with Him-they are vastly different. I need the Source. Father, forgive me to leaning elsewhere and not completely on You. Thank you that my lack of faith does not nullify Your faithfulness. May I continually drink of Your living water.
I want to leave you with the link to Hillsong’s “Desert Song.” The lyrics sustained me during this trip, and since.
