Archive for Battle

Lies

September 13, 2009 at 10:41 am · Filed under Battle, Faith, Life ·Tagged , , ,

I’m currently listening to NewSpring’s “Five Lies of the Devil” series, and you should too.

“God will never put more on you than you can handle.”  Sounds nice, doesn’t it?  It’s a lie. We misquote the Bible, you know, like Satan does every time he uses the Word.  We take 1 Cor 10:13 exchange a word, and leave out the last half of it so we’re left with a lie.  How many times has that lie been passes to another as Truth?  It is contrary to the rest of scripture.  It is contrary to the very essence of Christianity.  We CANNOT do it on our own. 

If God never put more on us than we can handle (the scripture actually says that we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear) then we would not need him.  Situations that are completely overwhelming to us, that are heavy, despairing, defeating, cause us to look to him for help.  The rest of that scripture says that he will provide a way to endure…God is that way. Those situations force us to put God on the throne where he belongs, and makes us realize how out of control we are which can make us angry at God.  It is frightening to not be in control.  The truth is we’ve never actually been in complete control, but we often have the illusion of control until something happens to tell us otherwise.  So, do we blame God and get angry at the other One who can pull us through? Or do we reach out to the only One who can pull us through? We do have control over our choices.

This whole series is reminder of how important it is that we actually know what the Bible says.  If we don’t know the Truth then we cannot recognize lies when they come.  Satan doesn’t come with his pitchfork, and pointed tail yelling sulfurous obscenities.  He comes disguised as an angel of light.  His lies are often so subtle that we don’t even know we’re being lied to, and often the lies are from within the church because we don’t accurately handle the Word of God.

Psalm 86:11
Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

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On Freedom

July 26, 2009 at 8:21 pm · Filed under Battle, Faith, Lessons Learned, Life, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged , , , ,

Can freedom (Biblical, personal freedom) ever truly exist in one’s life?  I’ve heard and believed all my life that knowing Christ, who is the ultimate Truth, will set us free.  I’ve known Christ, and at times incredibly intimately nearly my whole life.  I have also known addiction, people pleasing, fear, depression, rebellion, immense pain, unforgiveness, struggle, sin, disobedience, anger, self-hatred, and doubt.  Some would say it is because of the fall. So, did that annihilate freedom?  Can it still be found?  I’ve known people well that seem to live in this freedom every day. They have won the battle with alcoholism, heartache, or sexual promiscuity. They have had real life struggles, and today they seem filled with joy as if those things never happened, yet when asked about them they are still very near in memory, and sometimes in pain, perhaps even regret. Still, they seem to possess something of freedom that I do not. Why?

Perhaps it is how we define freedom that makes the difference. I certainly do not believe the Bible to tell us that freedom is escape, be it from pain, or rejection, or trouble.  In fact, it told us the complete opposite: “in this life you will have trouble” (John 16:33a).  Yet, it also tells us that “….where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom: (2 Cor 3:17).

Webster defines freedom this way: the quality or state of being free: as a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another:  independence c: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous d: ease; facility e: the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken f: improper familiarity g: boldness of conception or execution h: unrestricted use

I often wonder if the people who are all smiles, all laughter and no tears, and seem to have Romans 8:28 tattooed on their forehead are really living in freedom, or are they just hiding their pain? In denial about their shame? I believe them to be some of the most addicted (to pleasing others, to hiding, to coping through denial-we all have our addictions), and lost of all because only in coming face-to-face with the reality of our failures, sins, hurts, shame – our broken humanness – can we then allow freedom to rise up from within those places.  I heard it said that when it was asked of a monk why the Scriptures say to write the Words of God upon our hearts, and not in them the monk replied, “Because only when our hearts are broken can the words fall inside. “

Bolded are the definitions I find to be most accurate in the Christian life; in any life, but it only comes through relationship with Christ.  If I am free from addiction then I have been released of the need for it, I am not coerced by it, nor am I constrained by it. It no longer holds power over me; I am not enslaved to it.  The last bolded statement is what I believe to be the response by one who has experienced this freedom. 

 I believe one who is free to be painfully aware of one’s own failures, addictions, self-serving desires and actions, aware of one’s own woundedness, humanness and utter need for One greater than oneself, yet not to be enslaved to the addiction or hurt, not needing it to survive or to cope, being out from under its power – that is where I believe authenticity arises, and you are then able to truly be “frank, open, and outspoken.” I don’t mean outspoken like a protester, but outspoken in that one no longer has the need to hide parts of oneself, to feel ashamed, to be different on the outside than the real self on the inside, to present outwardly to people that which is only perceived as being acceptable, loveable, forgiveable.

I suppose I’m having trouble coming to terms with the fact that freedom does not mean that I won’t, possibly for the rest of my life struggle with the same things over and over again. Why else would Paul declare in such frustration that he does the things he doesn’t want to do, and can’t seem to do the things he knows he ought to do?  We dare not say that Paul wasn’t “free,” and still his struggle remained.  What if, church people, the thorn in Paul’s flesh was lust? What if it was depression? What if it was doubt? Would we still see Paul as this ever-faithful, never-doubting, always enduring Saint?

I wonder if God did not leave the thorn in Paul’s flesh ambiguous in His Word because we all share that thorn in one way or another.  We do not know the reason for the thorn. Oh, sure we can speculate that it was to keep Paul humble or to teach him some sort of grand lesson.  Whatever the thorn (or thorns) you or I may have I know one thing to be for certain: it stands as an ever-present and painful reminder that I NEED JESUS.  I need him to lean on when the pain from the thorn is too intense.  I need him to heal the wound around the thorn so that I do not react out of pain, and the pain does not consume and control me. I need him to give me a reason to keep going in spite of the thorn.  I need him to help me learn how to live with the thorn, and not live because of the thorn.  I need him to release me of the need to focus on the thorn, and instead to have the freedom to focus solely on him.

Paul’s thorn was given to him by God and it was there to stay. I believe we have God-given thorns, and we have thorns we have put in ourselves. Regardless of the reason, the thorns, at least the God-given ones remain. Paul had his thorn when he died. The reality of it never left him, and I’m quite certain the thorn, or the affects of it were not always hidden from others, yet Paul was free indeed.

Freedom is not the absence of things negative, but the eradication of the power to be bound by them, and the release to live beyond them.

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I fear being this transparent.

March 26, 2009 at 7:49 pm · Filed under Battle, Faith, Growing Pains, Life, Vulnerable ·Tagged , ,

Personal Journal Entry-August 21, 2008

I’m forever conflicted with what to do; perpetually at war within myself; at war with the world outside me.  I’m never free of this war, indeed.  How is it that a Spirit-filled Christian woman, who knows the Word, who has an intense fear to be outside the will of God, who seeks obedience regardless of positive feelings in return, who counsels others in the ways of forgiveness, healing, peace, trusting God, and being devoted to His Word; a woman who feels called to helped others, especially women overcome, not just survive abuse and sin and strongholds; how is it that she fears her own capacity to sin, and rebel in outright disobedience to God; how is it that she finds herself now in a darker place than she ever thought possible?  Or maybe she’s always known this was a possibility, and gradually allowed herself to finally succumb to this demon’ s hand that has always been at her heal, pulling, and clawing, and trying to drag her down into the pit she so desperately has tried to get out, and stay out of?

Should she, as a Christian, know what she ought to do to overcome this?  She’s fed her flesh for so long, and totally starved her Spirit that it’s no wonder she finds herself here now.  Logically, and biblically it calls for repentance, for prayer, for allowing the Word of God to transform her from the inside out by the renewing of her mind.  She has known that kind of power, that kind of freedom before. She’s known God’s unswerving faithfulness, and grace. He alone is Truth. He alone has the power to make totally new a life.  The Word of God alone has the power to discern thoughts, to divide bone and marrow, to pierce hearts, to discern the intent of the heart, to make true, deep, and lasting change. 

I feel so incongruent; hypocritical; fake.  I hate that. What I hate the most is that looking back over my entire life I can honestly say that I’ve never truly felt content; felt whole; felt congruent, like what I felt on the inside is what others saw on the outside, and what others saw on the outside was fully representative of what was on the inside.

As passionate, zealous, and obedient as I’ve been, and as at peace and content as I’ve been at times, I’ve always had these things inside me that are so dark, and that I feel so ashamed of  I don’t speak of them to anyone.  I say, “everyone has struggles, things they deal with, I just need to keep pressing on…” However true that may be I don’t want to take another step in this Christian race of life with this ball and chain of guilt, shame, sin, and stronghold in my heart.

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Personal Journal Entry-July 26, 2008

March 26, 2009 at 7:26 pm · Filed under Battle, Faith, Growing Pains, Life, Vulnerable ·Tagged , , , , ,

My heart aches for so many things.  Lord, are they desires You’ve given me?  Are they selfish things that I want?  Oh, how I need Your wisdom to discern the truth.  I only want Your thoughts, I only want Your dreams in my heart.

I have no idea what anything means anymore. School, Germany, mission work, music, writing, counseling, friends, finding the man you want me to marry, moving out, staying at my job for however long, changing jobs, working at church, volunteering more at church, publishing Divorce Support for Teens material, buy Photoshop, and Publisher, the vocal training software, going to TN for a weekend alone with You, going to Germany with Fusion next summer, and staying, going with Jen and Nate, and staying, what book to read, what to study in Your Word, how to help Sharon, how to share Your love, Your Truth with the sweet girls at work, how to bless my family and friends, how to support missionaries, how to raise my own support for Germany, learning the German language, working with excellence in ALL things, including my job, not wasting company time, how to be content yet thriving and passionate, preparing for, and looking ahead to the future, writing music, Joyful Noise Ministry, how to be a wife, and a mother…

These are the things (and more) inside of me, and around me that I’m asking You to sort out, to prioritize, to heal, to change, to grow, to equip me with, and use to make me more like Your Son, to please You, and serve You the way You deserve to be served.

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Thank you, Bob.

February 24, 2009 at 2:40 pm · Filed under Battle, Faith, Life ·Tagged , , ,

I stumbled upon this and found it refreshingly honest.

Depression and Sexuality

by Bob
http://www.christianswithdepression.com/depression-and-sexuality.php?maxi

Sometimes I just want to die. A lot of times really.

No. That’s not right. It’s not that I want to die. I’m not attracted to the process of dying at all. It’s just that I want to be dead, want it to be over. I want to rest. And I want to rest with my record standing as it is.

I don’t want to loose this fight. I don’t want to give in to my drives. I want to stop thinking about women. I don’t want to give in – to do what comes natural. I want to be able to go to my grave with dignity.

I hate it. I hate who I am. I hate the fact that I can’t stop my mind constantly wandering – that girl, that beautiful girl – in the magazine, on the billboard, walking down the street, in church in the pew in front of me, talking to me, smiling at me – that smile, my God, that smile, and the way she flicked her hair, I almost fell over, and then she bent over in front of me to pick something up and gave me an eyeful of cleavage, and I know I’m not supposed to look and I tried not to look (well, I sorta tried, half-tried, I’m sure I did) but now it’s three hours later and I’m still thinking about them, I mean ‘it’, I mean … I don’t know what I mean but I can’t get her out of my head!

I hate the way my brain works. I hate the fact that I’m such an animal, and I hate the fact that I can’t talk about it and I hate the fact that nobody understands and that most people aren’t even remotely aware! There’s a war going on inside of me. So much of the time I want to scream but I keep silent, like the ocean‘s surface, all blood and violence underneath.

What was that? No, I’m fine. I’m just feeling a little sore, a little tired, a little distracted, got something on my mind, don’t worry about it, yeah .. I’ll be fine, just let it go, please let it go, please let it go.

I want it to end. I want to end the struggle, finish the game while I’m still ahead. I can’t talk about it, don’t want to think about it. When my girlfriend picks up on it, it’s all about her, how I don’t love her, don’t care about her feelings, don’t find her attractive. Of course she sees it that way. That’s never going to change. She’s never going to understand.

I need to tell somebody, anybody. I wish I could tell everybody. Those that love me enough to help me get through this, they don’t understand, totally don’t understand. Those that do understand, they can’t help me because they don’t see it as a problem. And they’re not here in church with me anyway. They’re up at the pub or down at the brothel or somewhere where I can’t be, and if they are in church, they’re full-on fighting to keep it under wraps just like I am and they dare not talk about it either.

I can’t talk about it, must stop thinking about it. I can’t keep going like this. I’ll get my mind on to something else, anything else: check that chart, answer that email, click that link … oh my God, that girl in the picture, that smile! … I so want to be dead.

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Warning…

November 8, 2007 at 1:12 pm · Filed under Battle, Faith, Growing Pains, Lessons Learned, Life ·Tagged , , , ,

Have you ever had a moment where something inside of you is triggered, and by your surprise you think, in the words of Kuzco, “How long has THAT been there?” 

 Let me explain.  My counselor once told me that healing is like this: the pain from whatever hurt you’ve experienced is like a knife going into your belly.  Most of us come to live quite comfortably with this knife in our belly for a lot of years.  It’s what’s normal for us, and it’s oddly comforting to know it’s there because it’s so deep and it’s been there for so long we’re not sure how to function without it.  Healing is allowing God to pull the knife out for only He can.  We think and have been taught that we can heal ourselves and that we choose the pull out the knife.  We’ve been mislead.  We are taught to cope with the knife, and to function with it.  Even if we could pull it out ourselves, then what?  We bleed to death without help.  Think of this in a literal sense.  If that knife has been in there for some time don’t you think there’s been some festering and infection going on because of it?  If it’s really been a long time has your skin grown around the knife?  How much pain is there to pulling it out now?  Immense pain!  Truth: pain is necessary for healing. 

As long as that knife remains embedded (the hurt is not dealt with – denial, passivity, cynicism, unforgiveness, anger, bitterness, resentment, hate, wanting revenge etc.) healing is not possible.  With it protruding out of you it is very easy for someone to bump up against it and cause even more pain, often to your surprise in not realizing it’s still there.  Something bumped a knife in me yesterday, and to my horror I didn’t realize it was still there.  Immediately it was like blinking lights going off yelling, “Warning! Change Needed!”  Praise God for His warnings, for caring enough not to leave us in our pain, or our merely coping with it. 

I’m asking God to allow me to see what knives I’ve forgotten I’ve had, and most likely that means He allows for someone or a circumstance to bump against it, and cause pain.  But then the healing can begin.  If you haven’t seen “Evan Almighty” you should.  At one point Morgan Freeman says that when we pray for patience God doesn’t automatically give us patience, instead He gives us an opportunity to be patient.  Clearly I’m not taking Hollywood’s warped idea of who God is and how He operates, but this was a powerful truth.  When we ask for healing, often God allows for there to be more pain in the process to bring about the greatest healing.  God is not into quick fixes, or temporary relief. God does not treat symptoms, He removes the root problem.  If only doctors and psychologists would follow His lead!  Resentment, bitterness , anger…these are symptoms of the knife, and they cause us to respond to the person or circumstance that bumped us in completely unhealthy and often harmful ways.  What bumped me yesterday was MY issue, not theirs.  I want God to remove every forgotten and unacknowledged knife, in His way, and in His timing for “our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17).

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