Archive for February, 2009

Thank you, Bob.

February 24, 2009 at 2:40 pm · Filed under Battle, Faith, Life ·Tagged , , ,

I stumbled upon this and found it refreshingly honest.

Depression and Sexuality

by Bob
http://www.christianswithdepression.com/depression-and-sexuality.php?maxi

Sometimes I just want to die. A lot of times really.

No. That’s not right. It’s not that I want to die. I’m not attracted to the process of dying at all. It’s just that I want to be dead, want it to be over. I want to rest. And I want to rest with my record standing as it is.

I don’t want to loose this fight. I don’t want to give in to my drives. I want to stop thinking about women. I don’t want to give in – to do what comes natural. I want to be able to go to my grave with dignity.

I hate it. I hate who I am. I hate the fact that I can’t stop my mind constantly wandering – that girl, that beautiful girl – in the magazine, on the billboard, walking down the street, in church in the pew in front of me, talking to me, smiling at me – that smile, my God, that smile, and the way she flicked her hair, I almost fell over, and then she bent over in front of me to pick something up and gave me an eyeful of cleavage, and I know I’m not supposed to look and I tried not to look (well, I sorta tried, half-tried, I’m sure I did) but now it’s three hours later and I’m still thinking about them, I mean ‘it’, I mean … I don’t know what I mean but I can’t get her out of my head!

I hate the way my brain works. I hate the fact that I’m such an animal, and I hate the fact that I can’t talk about it and I hate the fact that nobody understands and that most people aren’t even remotely aware! There’s a war going on inside of me. So much of the time I want to scream but I keep silent, like the ocean‘s surface, all blood and violence underneath.

What was that? No, I’m fine. I’m just feeling a little sore, a little tired, a little distracted, got something on my mind, don’t worry about it, yeah .. I’ll be fine, just let it go, please let it go, please let it go.

I want it to end. I want to end the struggle, finish the game while I’m still ahead. I can’t talk about it, don’t want to think about it. When my girlfriend picks up on it, it’s all about her, how I don’t love her, don’t care about her feelings, don’t find her attractive. Of course she sees it that way. That’s never going to change. She’s never going to understand.

I need to tell somebody, anybody. I wish I could tell everybody. Those that love me enough to help me get through this, they don’t understand, totally don’t understand. Those that do understand, they can’t help me because they don’t see it as a problem. And they’re not here in church with me anyway. They’re up at the pub or down at the brothel or somewhere where I can’t be, and if they are in church, they’re full-on fighting to keep it under wraps just like I am and they dare not talk about it either.

I can’t talk about it, must stop thinking about it. I can’t keep going like this. I’ll get my mind on to something else, anything else: check that chart, answer that email, click that link … oh my God, that girl in the picture, that smile! … I so want to be dead.

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From a Beautiful Mind

February 24, 2009 at 2:34 pm · Filed under Faith ·Tagged , , , , ,

A few quotes I admire from Charles Spurgeon:

On depression:

The two disciples who walked to Emmaus and conversed together, and were sad,
were true believers. We may not judge men by their occasional feelings. The
possession of gladness is no clear evidence of grace; and the existence of depression is
no sure sign of insincerity.

To have something to do for Jesus, and to go right on with it, is one of the best ways
to get over a bereavement, or any heavy mental depression. If you can pursue some
great object, you will not feel that you are living for nothing.

He who would have his spirit bowed down even to the very earth, has only to fix
his thoughts upon himself and his circumstances, instead of looking to God and his
promises.

We have our times of natural sadness; we have, too, our times of depression, when we
cannot do otherwise than hang our heads. Seasons of lethargy will also befall us from
changes in our natural frame, or from weariness, or the rebound of over excitement.
The trees are not always green, the sap sleeps in them in the winter; and we have
winters too. Life cannot always be at flood tide: the fulness of the blessing is not upon
the most gracious at all times.

The worst forms of depression are cured when Holy Scripture is believed.

On man:

Our prayers have stains in them, our faith is mixed with unbelief, our repentance is
not so tender as it should be, our communion is distant and interrupted. We cannot
pray without sinning, and there is filth even in our tears.

On Spiritual Warfare:

The more spiritual the exercise, the sooner we tire. Joshua was not weary of fighting
in the valley, but Moses’ hands began to grow weary with holding them up in prayer.

On Affliction:

Affliction hardens those whom it does not soften.

They who dive in the sea of affliction bring up rare pearls.

On the Bible:

It is an ill sign when a man dares not look a Scripture in the face, and an evidence of
brazen impudence when he tries to make it mean something less condemnatory of his
sins, and endeavours to prove it to be less sweeping in its demands.

It is better to preach five words of God’s Word than five million words of man’s wisdom. Men’s words may seem to be the wiser and the more attractive, but there is no heavenly life in them.

On Friends:

Any man can selfishly desire to have a Jonathan; but he is on the right tack who
desires to find out a David to whom he can be a Jonathan.

It is no friendship that flatters; it is small friendship that holds its tongue when it
ought to speak; but it is true friendship that can speak a word at the right time, and,
if need be, even speak so sharply as to cause a wound.

On Life:

No life can surpass that of a man who quietly continues to serve God in the place
where providence has placed him.

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Brief Ranting

February 22, 2009 at 2:22 pm · Filed under Faith, Growing Pains, Life, Ranting, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged , , ,

I’m so very tired and sick of the church (generally speaking of course, there are always exceptions) acting like they have everything together, or even if admittedly they do not, they say unconvincingly things like, “Well you know I’m going through something, but God is faithful,” or they smile while quoting Romans 8:28 as if they’re trying to comfort you, and not bother you with what’s burdening them.  I’ve heard it said about people in ministry that they do not have the luxury of having a bad day (meaning in front of people anyway).  When in the world did we get the idea that pretending to those we minister to is a good idea? No wonder non-Christians can’t stand us!  No wonder we seem fake to them.  We are.
 
I’m so just tired of people pretending on the outside that even though they may have some things going on they are doing fine because the Lord’s in control when inside their heart might be ripping apart because of sin, or trial, or temptation, or depression etc.  Obviously there are safe people in your life to open up to about such things, and you’re not going to tell most people what’s in your heart (that’s just using wisdom), but shouldn’t you be able to with some?  Really if the church functioned as I believe the Lord would have it, you could share with any brother or sister without fear of judgement, or receiving a trite, or contrived “answer” to your “problem.” 
Praise God for those genuine Christians who aren’t afraid of a little vulnerability.  How refreshing.

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Late Entry-this may be a normal occurence now that I don’t have internet

February 22, 2009 at 2:14 pm · Filed under Life, Making Memories and Other Fun Stuff, Nothing Much, Random ·Tagged , ,

Happy Singles Awareness Day Folks

This Valentine’s Day with its inevitable hyper-awareness of singleness brings along a sickness that began three days ago.  Oh, and going with the red theme, well, I suppose you don’t need to know that.

I found the need to get out of my apartment to avoid the unavoidable romantic movies on the temporary cable I have, but also because I’m going stir crazy. So, I go to Publix for some more water, and pharmaceutical advice this afternoon.  I wasn’t thinking much about it until the store makes you walk through a myriad of heart-shaped candy boxes, balloons, and the like. 

Presently I find myself watching a documentary on “Germans in America” while my cat, my valentine, sleeps nearby.  Incidentally, the lady narrating keeps saying, “Missour-uh” and it’s driving me crazy.  She’s not southern either.   I never knew a great deal of Germans settled in Missouri.  Makes sense that they would leave the Rhineland and find the Missouri River.  There’s also Germantown in Pennsylvania.

This is a random post, isn’t it?  I love Germany. I miss Jen and Nate. They left Tuesday for Herborn.  Yeah, I think that’s where my sickness came from.  They were both sick, poor things. I pray they are feeling well now.  I can’t imagine traveling that long (or at all) feeling this way. 

I’m going to attempt attending church tonight.  I must go to order Angel Food for one of my clients, and I hope to stay. Perhaps I’ll pop in the back row, and try not to touch anyone or anything, although I’m not sure I’m contagious anymore.

Then, if I’m still feeling half-way human it’s off to Monique’s apartment to get my hair did.  It has been in desperate need of being cut, but I want it dyed as well.  Okay, time to eat, and save some energy for travel.

Auf Wiedersehen

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100 Things I Either Have Done, Haven’t Done, or Want to Do.

February 19, 2009 at 2:10 pm · Filed under Making Memories and Other Fun Stuff, Random

Things you’ve already done: bold-I put these in white so they’d show up on my blog.
Things you want to do: italicise

Things you haven’t done and don’t want to: leave in plain font

Have you ever…

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity – define “afford.”
7. Been to Disneyland-Been to DisneyWorld, hello.
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo-in my car all the time…oh, you mean like for real? No.
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch-I’m not really sure what this means…I’ve taught myself guitar though.
15. Adopted a child-depends on the Lord’s plans for that one
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort-an igloo big enough for three teens to sit up straight in!
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping – maybe with my husband someday in a place utterly isolated.
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse-of the moon, yes.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors-maybe? I’m not sure where that is.
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language-in progress
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied-I’m human and hoinestly that probably won’t ever happen. Content maybe, but not satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing-okay not for real, but i’ve climbed 75 feet on a rock climbing wall in a gym before.
40. See Michelangelo’s David-does the replica in Caeser’s Palace in Vegas count?
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted-does a characature count?
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris-watched the sunset from it. Beautiful.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma-I tried to, but I didn’t weigh enough.
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London-NOT the best spent time of my life.
77. Broken a bone-not that I’m aware of.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle-I hate motorcycles.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person-I may have as a small child, but don’t remember it.
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake-NO! and I lived near it for six years!  Now I have to take a vacation to do it.
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100.Dyed your hair-Just did this Saturday.

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Refreshing Water

February 19, 2009 at 12:24 pm · Filed under Faith, Lessons Learned, Ranting, Thinking Out Loud ·Tagged

People are thirsty for truth.  Whether or not you realize it, or admit it, we are all seeking truth; we have been built in such a way to desire it. We try and find it in politics, news, journals, research, religion, friendships, books, music, T.V., celebrities, the Internet, work, nature, science, math, psychology, philosophy, and the like. 

Who am I?
Where did I come from, and where am I going?
Who am I becoming?
What’s my purpose?
Is there more to life than what I can see, feel, taste, touch, and smell?
How do I do life?
     -What’s right and wrong, and who decides?
     -Do I marry? Who do I marry? Does it matter? How do you define marriage?
     -Why do I make the decisions I do?
     -What are my motives, and are they good or bad; can they change?
     -How do I know which job to take?
     -Is there a right and a wrong to certain things?
          *relationships
          *raising kids
          *handling the hurts of life
               -dealing with anger, violence, abuse, rejection, betrayal, neglect
          *conduct myself at home, work, school, social settings etc.
     -What is character? Who defines it? Does it matter?
     -Is science the end-all for finding and defining truth?
     -What is truth, and who defines it?  Can it change? Can it be known?
     -Is truth universal? Is it relative?
     -Why is it glorified in one culture to use suicide bombing as a means to an end, and in another culture it is a sad motive, and horrific act of murder?
     -Why is it that our stomachs turn at the thought of a child in Rwanda being raped, tortured, shot and killed, yet we rip apart unborn babies justifiably?

If truth is relative, then it’s okay for me to steal from you, but don’t you dare come into my house; it’s okay for you to lie, but I had better tell you the truth; it’s okay for me to kill off a certain group of people for my own reasons, yet you had better not declare war on my own kind; it’s okay for a child to cheat on a test in school; it’s okay for a teacher to hit the child who cheated on the test.

Do you get the point? If truth is relative, if it’s something that changes based on the individual, based on circumstances, based on group think, based on feelings, based on who’s in charge, then ANYTHING GOES! There are no rules, and the world in thrown into a chaos that it cannot recover from.

This post is unfinished.

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New Apartment Day 4

February 6, 2009 at 2:42 pm · Filed under Blessings, Life, Making Memories and Other Fun Stuff, Nothing Much ·Tagged ,

Since Sunday, the first night in my new apartment, I’ve slept like an infant; uncomfortable outside the womb of my familiar surroundings, a bit fussy, and unable to sleep for more than a an hour or two at a time.  I’m a light sleeper, so new creaks, or the bright light outside my bedroom window prove to be incredibly difficult obstacles to overcome in hopes of  a somewhat relaxed, and peaceful sleep.  Exhausted, yet unable to sleep.  This is not my favorite.

Last night, I am happy to report, I sleep mostly through the night.  I went to bed late as I have had, and do have trouble falling asleep, so I did not get enough rest, but I got fairly consistent sleep which is fabulous. 

My precious kitty is nearly fully adjusted to the new sights, smells, and noises…perhaps adjusting quicker than I have. I thought surely it would have been the other way around.  I’m so very thankful for him as I have found even in this short amount of time the aloneness being both a blessing, and,well, lonely. 

Everyone (friends, family, co-workers) has been so very generous and kind in helping me move, giving me duplicates of random items from their homes or pantries, and making their way over to see the new place.  I’d like to have a “Come Warm my House” party, but I’d rather do that when there aren’t boxes still lying around with bits and pieces to be sorted.  I also want it to be a time of just hanging out, not a bring-me-a-present time.  Thankfully, unless someone has an extra vacuum cleaner lying around, I’m not in need of much more.  Jehovah Jireh ya’ll.

I’m glad it’s Friday.  I’m glad I have nothing to do tonight save maybe having a few friends over for a movie.  This weekend is filled with drumming for one of our church’s satelite campus…my first weekend of four services, yikes! Wanna watch?  I think IT has it fixed. www.calvaryccm.comand click on the live Viera link Saturday night or Sunday morning.

Okay, going to call and check on Amber’s dad.

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