Archive for February, 2008

Humble Pie

February 29, 2008 at 6:12 pm · Filed under Blessings ·Tagged

Tonight after work I am driving up to see my new friend, and not to label her, but for your understanding she is the one diagnosed with cancer, and is undergoing chemo at the present time to prayerfully kill off what the surgery couldn’t remove.  The doctors give her a couple of years.  I don’t know how many God’s already planned for her to have (Psalm 139 - particularly verse 16).  Praise God for His sovereignty. 

The other reason I’m going up to see her today follows: a couple of weeks ago, after having surgery, diagnosed, and in considerable pain for weeks, she calls for me to come see her one night.  Remember that I only met her a little less than two months ago.  We (mutual friend and her family and I) couldn’t stay long due to how she felt that night, and it being way past visiting hours already, but she said she wanted to see me. 

As I walk into the room and see her husband I say, “hello,” and hug him- he’s incredible.  I learned more about marriage, and unconditional love in twenty minutes with them in a hospital room than I ever could in a book, or a seminar. I kiss her on the forehead, and take her hand in mine.  She proceeds to tell me how although she plays guitar and sings (both very well)  that she is giving me her drumset she bought to try and learn on.  She says I’m farther along than she is in playing, and that I’ll use them for God.  God bless me and my music.  Talk about a slice of humble pie.  I think I ate the whole thing.  Blessed, humbled, excited, shocked….oh yeah.

How good is our God?  He even provided for me a place to keep them.  Vielen dank Freudin.  So tonight we go to visit our dear friend, and pick up the drums.  Wow.  I’m still a bit flabbergasted.   Just wanted to share.  :)

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Mad, or Glad?

February 27, 2008 at 11:31 am · Filed under Lessons Learned ·Tagged , , ,

I’m not sure why the last two months the world around me decided to fall apart all at once, but it has.  From a friend with a cancer diagnosis, to depression, to severe issues with my brother, the on-going saga with dad, to an acquaintance’s brother and fiance found dead by what looked like a murder-suicide, to custody issues that affect the lives of innocent children, to potential abuse situations with a teen… Has the world gone mad?  Yes.  It went mad when Eve took the fruit.  It has gone downhill ever since.  It’s easy to get depressed when considering all the mess that so encompasses our lives, either by direct means, or by means of those we love.  It’s valid.  It’s real.  It’s the world we live in.  But…. Oh, what a beautiful word.  Nevertheless…  same beauty.  If not for these words in life, and in scripture we would despair. 
The world is mad; people are hurting, and hurting others; there is sickness, famine, hunger, anger, war, abuse, neglect, abandonment,  rejection, and deep pain…BUT, God is still on the throne.  He is still good, loving, caring, all-knowing, all-powerful, the everlasting God who does not faint, nor grow weary (Isaiah 40:21-31).  He has not yet withdrawn His hand on us.  He is longsuffering.  He can take all the bad in our world, and the world around us, and make it into something good.  He promises that in Romans 8:28.  We just need to love Him, as if that’s hard to do. 
The world around us is falling apart, not by God’s doing, but by man’s.  God could turn a deaf ear, and a blind eye, but He doesn’t.  In His absolute sovereignty God could pour out His wrath (and He will someday on those who choose not to accept His forgiveness, and follow Him – He’s a just God) on us, He could resolve not to offer healing in His name, or comfort from the Holy Spirit, or the power of His Word, but He does.  He does so because He is good, and not because of what we’ve done, or haven’t done, but because it’s His very nature to do so.  God doesn’t just do good, or love, He is in very nature love.  He embodies goodness, kindness, faithfulness… If it were not so He would never have given His son to us, for us.  His pain, our eternal gain.  Praise God His character does not change as the wind blows.  Cancer, depression, anger, hurt, death…none of these is able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus (Romans 8).  Our circumstances do not affect God’s character.  Knowing God’s character should affect our circumstances.  God is good. Period.  If we would believe that, our lives would begin to reflect that, and truly the peace that surpasses all understand, that does not come from understanding, would guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:7).  “In this life you will have trouble, BUT, take heart for I have overcome the world,: (John 16:33).
As much as all of life is often trying, and as deep as the hurt can be, I am reminded yet again, that the things we go through, although impact us as we hopefully grow through them – ultimately I am more and more convinced that they have nothing to do with us….it’s ALL for OTHERS, it’s all for HIS glory.  If we happen to be blessed, or suffer, and grow in the meantime so be it.  All that Jesus went through…EVERYTHING he went through had nothing to do with him – it was ALL for US (Phil 2:5).  “He was wounded for our transgressions, bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon him, and by his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all,” (Isaiah 53:5-6). As much as we Christians would like to think God has all this happy stuff planned for us, truth is we will suffer as Christ suffered – it’s in His Word.  I’m not sure where we got the “entitlement attitude” that says God owes us anything, or we “should” get a break, or feel better, or be happier, etc., but Christ never promised us that.  We are entitled to no blessing, no happy feeling, nor anything of the sort.  We are promised, however, the greatest of all blessings, and that is ultimately the hope of heaven, and life abundantly (not in the abundance we think, but spiritual abundance), with the power of God, and God on our side while on earth. 
I don’t say any of this to make light of what we sometimes go through, by any means.  None of the above negates the fact that often in life we suffer greatly, and hurt deeply.  Our perspective through it is what makes the difference between falling and failing; between growing and weakening; between better and bitter; between a test and a testimony.  I pray for God to continue to show us life through His eyes, and His heart, and His purpose.  Remember, the clay doesn’t know what the Potter’s doing, but the Potter can be trusted, no matter how much pressure is applied. 

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Mein Kampf

February 22, 2008 at 3:24 pm · Filed under Life ·Tagged , , ,

The following is part of an email I sent a dear mentor of mine on Wednesday, November 14, 2007.  
A few months ago I had told you about the intense stirring in my heart for ministry, particularly missions. I had talked to Jonathan about it, to which he responded that he wasn’t surprised.  I spoke with Jason and he said the same thing, but included that it was obvious God was doing a tremendous work in me out in Berlin, that He had great things planned for me, and of anyone on the team he thought I would be the one to go back!  What a shock to hear him say that.  “Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!”  I felt the same.  I shared with a few trusted, godly  friends/mentors my thoughts and no one seemed to have any reservations, but quite the opposite. That remained steady and intense for about a month – I researched, I looked into possibilities of going over there, or other places in Germany, even for study abroad-type trips that would get me over there and help me to learn the language (which I’m still slowly trying to learn through books, tapes, and internet).  Too bad I can’t say “Das ist mein Mann,” (”This is my husband”) and not be lying!  
I’m not sure what happened over the following month, but that “feeling” for lack of better word gradually decreased in intensity.  I’m not sure if it did so because I did not remain steadfast and fervent in my prayers about it, or my prayer life about it changed because the intensity in my heart changed first.  Chicken or the egg??  Or maybe I resolved to believe “that would never happen.” Or perhaps I let logic rule. 
Above I had said that no one had any reservations, well actually my step-dad did.  His immediate response was that I should finish school.  It’s like he didn’t even consider that it may be God’s leading, which was sort of strange to me.  Maybe that’s his practical male side coming out.  I was honestly a bit hurt by it.  Here’s this massive thing in my heart, and it gets immediately passed over and shoved aside.  By God’s grace I will graduate next December.  Not that I’m doing badly, it’s just an ENORMOUS time/money/energy-eater…ha, sounds like mission work!  For me though, I’ve struggled over the past year, ever before I knew a trip to Berlin was in the making at church, about school.  I love learning, and I love the Christian education that I’m getting, but my heart is SO beating for ministry that school just seems like something else that gets in the way of actually being able to do ministry which proves to be extremely frustrating.  So many opportunities to serve and minister are opening up all over the place, and numerous times people have come to me to ask if I would want to do this or be a part of that.  My heart leaps for joy and shouts a resounding, “YES!” but my head says, “I can’t, I don’t have time, I have to focus on school,” and my heart sinks yet again.  I enjoy my job, but again, it’s a job…it pays bills, and yes God will use me anywhere and everywhere, but there is a vast difference to me between ministering at your job, and your job being ministry.  Some people don’t seem to understand that. Perhaps because they do not know the call of ministry.  Do you know what I mean?  I certainly don’t plan to serve Him any less at my office or visiting clients, and I am thankful for any chance I can be used, whether it’s leading DivoreCare at church, or loving a co-worker.   
Oh, but how my hearts longs to be used in the fullest capacity.  I want to be used in an unlimited way by God, not just this bit of me or that bit, but a living sacrifice where ALL of me is on the altar.  I feel like there’s this volcano of gifts, talents, passions that is burning to erupt into service for Him, but it is CONSTANTLY being pushed down or pushed aside for something else.  Is this selfish of me?  Do I finish school?  Then what?  Yes, I’ll be making more money (praise God!), and using my degree etc., but the volcano will still be burning, hotter and higher, and I feel I only have one option: keep pushing it down, and I’ll pass this off as “waiting on God.”  Well, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for.  I don’t feel like that once I graduate I’ll be settled and in my career and gee that will be nice, although I used to. NO! I feel like that in a very real way my life will not begin until it is poured out in ministry for Him.   
How foolish to be this far along and not finish school, right?  Do I take a risk, pack my bags and head for Berlin?  Do I stop with school to pour into ministry at church like I so desperately want to?  Or do I literally give up ANY chance of ministry next year because with a full-time job, full-time school, homework, simply attending church, and a 20 hour-a-week internship, I don’t even know when I’ll sleep, let alone have time to fellowship or serve.  Again, the lid is put on the volcano, and I fear eventually snuffing the fire out completely.  As I shared just a small part of my heart with a friend he responded with the following:   
Leslie let me be real for a moment, before the trip (to Berlin) you seemed like you were carrying a burden on your shoulder, during the trip you were so on fire and living in the moment.  The fruits of the Spirit was evident in your walk.  Now that we have been back it looks like to me you have put on those burdens or perhaps new ones… You are an awesome girl and I know God is using you in the ministries that you are serving, I hear from Jake the effect you are having on those teens…. Thank you so much for sharing, I didn’t realize you had such a passion for full time ministry…. It almost feels like the Spirit filled life is being clogged up until you have a chance to unleash it, like Thursdays in DC….We are doing some reorganization at Fusion, I with Pete is taking the lead in this.  If you could create the perfect ministry position for you to serve at within Fusion that would unleash the Beast, what would it be?  What would you do?  I actually put down as an example for you to teach…on the Org Chart.  We want to create an environment that people like you will have an opportunity to serve with the gifts and passions that God has given you.  Email me back, please realize though it is not for me to give any positions or titles, but at least you have an outlet and I will petition on your behalf to the leadership team on your ideas.  This passion needs a place to be carried out or it sounds like you will explode!…Now with the schooling that you are going towards, is this something that will lead you to ministry?  Because if it is not, I wouldn’t even waste my time or effort in it.  I would seriously pray and seek God’s direction in this but if your heart is not in school, and takes you away from what your passion is, WHY ARE YOU EVEN CONSIDERING IT? I truly believe that is how midlife crisis happens, it is when we make decisions that seem right but take us away from what God has designed for us.  Then one day after all the years and compromises of who we are, we wake up and realize what we have done and freak out.  Hold on to your passion, make your decisions revolve around that, make the necessary sacrifices today to hold on to your dreams, you will be a lot happier and won’t have any regrets.   
Apparently it’s not just me.  Jason, Huy, Jonathan to some degree, Valerie…people saw a tremendous difference in me during the trip, and now just like Huy said it’s like I’ve become even more burdened. Why are other people noticing this?  Doesn’t that speak volumes?  Huy reminded me of the difference I had yet again resolved to push aside. Mom and Jay want me to finish school, but they didn’t see me in Berlin.  They don’t have a call to full-time ministry on their lives. It’s difficult for me to talk to them about it.  They absolutely want me to follow God’s will…but they want me to finish school – I keep hearing that - but what if those are not the same?  I’m not sure who I can open up to about it because I fear the brush off, and them not realizing how intense and profound this is.  Some people may be able to say, “just finish school and then you’ll be making more money and that will provide more opportunities, blah blah blah…”  Honestly, I really can’t handle hearing things like that right now.  I am logical and analytical enough on my own thank you.   
Fast forward to the present: I am happy to report that through various confirmations from the Lord over several months of this struggle that I am not in school.  I made the decision in December after I believe the Lord told me plainly, “Don’t go to school next semester, and make yourself more available for ministry.” No joke, right after I made that decision opportunities came to me like never before.  I had several opportunites to play drums/percussion that had not happened before.  Through the means of an everyday conversation came the idea of having a small informational-get together – now, as eluded to above, it turned into me teaching a six-week class at church.  I’ve taught before, but never like this, and like helping the teens in DivorceCare this class has been constructed from scratch.  I am attending a leadership training class at church.  I am counseling at church for the first time in several months.  I am able to attend small group Bible study again.  And last, but absolutely not least – drum roll please – a trip to Germany this summer was announced two weeks ago in Fusion!  I turned in my application Sunday.  Now I eagerly wait to hear if I am indeed going. How awesome for God to seek fit to use me in such ways.  I am ever grateful for His faithfulness, for His kindness, and for His guidance.  I cannot describe to you how light my heart feels, and how much I have learned just in the last couple of months of more ministry. 

Please know that to the best of my ability, with the prayers of those who love me, with Jesus interceeding for me in accordance with the will of the Father, in applying Proverbs 3:5-7 in my life, and ever-seeking God’s wisdom I will not make a move unless it is God-directed, and only in His timing.  Does that include school? I don’t know.  Does that included becoming a missionary overseas?  I don’t know.  Does it include more and more ministry, possibly a job at church?  I don’t know.  It may be a combination of those things, or it may be none of them. Jesus’ disciples – those twelve men who changed the world – were doctors, tax-collectors, and uneducated fishermen. God’s ways and thoughts are not ours, they are higher. God is the God of exceedingly, abundantly, and I know whatever He has planned is more amazing than anything I could even think.  I’m excited to see where He takes me next!  “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9I’m excited to see where He takes me next!  “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

 

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“…mercy triumphs over judgment.” James 2:13

February 11, 2008 at 3:14 pm · Filed under Growing Pains

Although I have intended, and we all know what the road to hell is paved with, to update this blog, honestly I have wondered who knew I hadn’t.  Well, thanks to your comment, dearest friend, even though you already know what happened you still care that I have not update my blog, and thus I am here to write to whomever cares to read.  Actually, as anyone who blogs knows, it is pretty cool to look back over past entries and see, hopefully, how you’ve grown, and learned, and be in awe of God’s faithfulness.

My conversation with Dad: It was one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had in my life.  Maybe THE most difficult.  Praise God for the preparation He gave me, with an incredible church service, and an incredible friend to take the time to pray with me before, and comfort me with a cup of Typhoo (the best English tea…ever) after, and more words of wisdom, comfort, and challenge.  Praise God for other very dear friends and family who knew of the situation.  Thanks for their prayers, and kind words. 

There’s no need for detail here about our conversation.  I will say that we covered some pretty serious, and much-needed topics, from past to present.  At one point he said that last year when I told him I forgave him for everything he wondered why.  For what?  Ah, my biggest fear realized, yet again: he’s clueless.  I told him the point of the conversation was not to list all the ways in which he’s ever hurt me, but if he really was curious I could give him a few examples.  He agreed.  Not exactly in these slightly sarcastic words did I say, “so, screaming at me, holding me in the bathroom, then throwing me against the wall….that somehow did not throw up a red flag for you?”  I told him of some other things that happened over a continual bases, to which he finally being able to take a step back saw that it was probably very hard on me.  He apologized.  That was huge.  As he talked of some of the things that have gone on between us I realized very much how intensely I had hurt him.  For this I apologized, sincerely, more sincerely than he believed, and I asked for God’s forgiveness, and for wisdom never to repeat those mistakes.  Overall I felt it was a fairly mutual conversation, with each of us taking some responsibility.  Simultaneously, he has not changed.  He will not changed unless he chooses to let God in his life.  He is still angry, still bitter, still unforgiving, still lost, and still hurt.  None but Jesus can make that kind of heart transplant, and He is too much of a gentleman to force his way in, dad must let him.  At a word, Jesus is ready to embrace him, to fully and finally forgive him, to restore to him the years life has eaten away, and to make him new in all things…oh, Dad, why won’t you let Him heal you? 

We have not spoken since.  There was nothing said that we wouldn’t.  When we do speak again what will be said?  Only God knows, and I pray for HIS wisdom when that happens.  I need HIS compassion, and patience to flow through me.  Mine is worn.  I feel as though I have the absolute smallest glimpse of how God must break when His children do not understand how much He cares for them.  I wish that Dad could understand how much, in the depths of me, beyond the hurt, the anger etc., how much I care for him, and how much I love him.  Beyond even that, I pray with everything in me that he believes how much God loves him.  I don’t say “understand,” because to understand God’s love for us is to fully understand God, since God IS love, and that is simply too far beyond human comprehension. 

I need God’s eyes now even more to see my dad through as I have recently found out some deeply disturbing things concerning my brother, who, naturally was taught by my father to do the things he’s doing.  “Create a clean heart in me, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10

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