I’ve had a lot I’ve needed to let God deal with me about the last couple of weeks, as evidenced by my last two blogs entries. I wrote Dad a letter. It basically had three parts to it: 1. This is how you made me feel. 2. I thought things had changed after our time talking last year, since they obviously haven’t changed don’t expect for me to come out until they do. 3. I realize you were never taught how to be in a real relationship with someone, that’s okay, but it’s time you learn. There comes a point in everyone’s life where one must realized that they are messed up, helpless, but not hopeless and in need of divine intervention.
I left it open for him to respond if he wished, that I loved him – always have, and desired so strongly to have a relationship with him (because as a daughter I’m designed to want that with her dad), but that my heart can’t handle this anymore. I understand where he’s coming from, but as I said, there comes a time to grow up, to choose to learn another way, a better way.
I resolved to have no expectations when sending the letter. I both hoped that he would, and wouldn’t call. When he did call me last Monday it was a surprisingly calm, and genuine message left saying he wanted to get his thoughts together and then talk. I waited for his call, then Friday I missed it and he left a message that started out with his typical tone and “…it would be nice if you answered your phone…” Didn’t hear it ring, Dad, but I guess you never thought of that. So I called him back Saturday when I knew I had time to talk and wouldn’t be interrupted – I want to listen, to give him my attention, and see where this goes. His phone was off so I left a message. Now I’m waiting again. I hope he calls soon. I don’t know what happens next, but this phone call will determine it, and I’m ready for it to be over no matter the outcome.
