Archive for November, 2007

Transition

November 29, 2007 at 5:51 pm · Filed under Growing Pains

The events of Sunday morning now seem a bit distant.  For whatever reason, be it defense mechanism, shock, or moving on it’s as if I’m emotionally disconnected from it all.  I still can’t believe he said what he said, and then called me the next day to see how my flight was as if nothing happened.  Of course the voice mail included another sarcastic comment which I did not find at all funny.  The most bizzarre part of this all?  He really doesn’t get it.  Has no idea what he does and how it affects people, and it’s not to be passed of as ignorance.  Yes, I have talked to him about it before, actually talked to him, gently, using “I” statements and everything.  No matter.  I see him constantly putting down his girlfriend, who is a great, kind, and generous woman, and never thanking her for anything she does, and she does a lot.  I want to tell her she deserves better.  I want to ask her if when she is in her quiet, private moments her heart does not beat for something more, knowing that something just doesn’t feel quite right.  Okay, so maybe I’m not as disconnect as I thought.  Maybe it just hasn’t consumed me the last two days like it did the first two. 

I feel that I’m in transition.  Transition between being hurt and angry, and forgiving and moving forward.  I’ll get there, but at the moment I have no desire to speak to him for a while, and it might be a long while before the desire to try and have a relationship with him resurfaces, if ever.  Let me make clear that this is not holding a grudge, but trying to exercise some wisdom.  It’s still baffling that he hasn’t a clue.  What a slap-in-the-face reminder of what unforgiveness and bitterness will do to someone.  I don’t want to be that person.

Leave a Comment

Dies ist mein Messer

November 26, 2007 at 6:47 pm · Filed under Growing Pains

So I went to Utah for Thanksgiving.  Frankly I’m a bit too weary to go into the details of the trip, but overall it was good.  I got to eat dinner with with good friends from high school, two of which I didn’t even know were in town, and the other I haven’t seen since 2001.  I nearly kidnapped her new baby boy – I must admit, it was love at first sight.  Needless to say that was a good time.  I miss those guys.  Got to hang out with another super good friend, and her sister for a bit which was great.  I thank God for them.  I thank Him especially for Shauna and for His grace on our friendship over the years…holy cow, it has been a lot of years now since marching band and Senorita Cole’s Espanol class, where the only thing we paid any attention to was how to say and make a ”pin-YAH-tuh” properly.

Things with Dad are always slightly tense and awkward.  Too much bad history and not enough change for a peaceful present, or a hopeful future.  Don’t get me wrong, God can do wonders, and has in some ways, but never forcefully.  Dad’s track record for responsibility, change, and kindness leave a bit to be desired. 

Things were pretty decent until the morning I left.  We (my bro and his girlfriend, and Dad and his girlfriend) all went to breakfast in Salt Lake before Dad and his girlfriend dropped me off at the airport.  In a matter of about three seconds my father was able to pretty much suck the life out of me, and most of any religion at that point as well.  I felt very much like singing “that’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spot-light, losing my religion…” Thanks R.E.M.  What happened?  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but when you have a knife like mine it’s almost so painful it’s nauseating.  I think God read my last blog.

Time and time again for years my mother and I would leave the dinner table in absolute horror and tears for the things my father would say (and brother would tag along with his comments which I like to chock up to mere ignorance, stupidity, and being under the influence of dad – truly more powerful and destructive than any drug).  He has this incredible talent of making you feel like absolute….dookie.  He makes cutting remarks, makes total fun of you in the most degrading and humiliating way, and as you begin to show the pain for it is not-hide-able (that’s just going to have to make sense for now) and tear up, oh, that is only more fuel to the fire.  You leave the room as he laughs, feeling like a complete ass.  Yesterday morning at breakfast not only did he do that, in front of everyone else, but he even brought up the fact that mom and I used to leave the table crying – and yes, he was laughing while telling this story.  I stared at him while thinking not nice things like…well, anyway….then took a drink of my coffee while thanking God that I was about to leave.

I’ve been completely distraught about the whole thing since then.  Why can’t I just shake it off?  Partly, although given his track record, I’m in complete shock that he was actually that evil – I really thought he had grown up a little.  Partly I’m disgusted with myself for the reaction it has had on me.  If all the knives were lumped into one jagged, rusty, infectious dagger it would be him.  Dies ist mein Messer.  This is my knife.  Warning…change still severely needed.

Comments (3)

Warning…

November 8, 2007 at 1:12 pm · Filed under Battle, Faith, Growing Pains, Lessons Learned, Life ·Tagged , , , ,

Have you ever had a moment where something inside of you is triggered, and by your surprise you think, in the words of Kuzco, “How long has THAT been there?” 

 Let me explain.  My counselor once told me that healing is like this: the pain from whatever hurt you’ve experienced is like a knife going into your belly.  Most of us come to live quite comfortably with this knife in our belly for a lot of years.  It’s what’s normal for us, and it’s oddly comforting to know it’s there because it’s so deep and it’s been there for so long we’re not sure how to function without it.  Healing is allowing God to pull the knife out for only He can.  We think and have been taught that we can heal ourselves and that we choose the pull out the knife.  We’ve been mislead.  We are taught to cope with the knife, and to function with it.  Even if we could pull it out ourselves, then what?  We bleed to death without help.  Think of this in a literal sense.  If that knife has been in there for some time don’t you think there’s been some festering and infection going on because of it?  If it’s really been a long time has your skin grown around the knife?  How much pain is there to pulling it out now?  Immense pain!  Truth: pain is necessary for healing. 

As long as that knife remains embedded (the hurt is not dealt with – denial, passivity, cynicism, unforgiveness, anger, bitterness, resentment, hate, wanting revenge etc.) healing is not possible.  With it protruding out of you it is very easy for someone to bump up against it and cause even more pain, often to your surprise in not realizing it’s still there.  Something bumped a knife in me yesterday, and to my horror I didn’t realize it was still there.  Immediately it was like blinking lights going off yelling, “Warning! Change Needed!”  Praise God for His warnings, for caring enough not to leave us in our pain, or our merely coping with it. 

I’m asking God to allow me to see what knives I’ve forgotten I’ve had, and most likely that means He allows for someone or a circumstance to bump against it, and cause pain.  But then the healing can begin.  If you haven’t seen “Evan Almighty” you should.  At one point Morgan Freeman says that when we pray for patience God doesn’t automatically give us patience, instead He gives us an opportunity to be patient.  Clearly I’m not taking Hollywood’s warped idea of who God is and how He operates, but this was a powerful truth.  When we ask for healing, often God allows for there to be more pain in the process to bring about the greatest healing.  God is not into quick fixes, or temporary relief. God does not treat symptoms, He removes the root problem.  If only doctors and psychologists would follow His lead!  Resentment, bitterness , anger…these are symptoms of the knife, and they cause us to respond to the person or circumstance that bumped us in completely unhealthy and often harmful ways.  What bumped me yesterday was MY issue, not theirs.  I want God to remove every forgotten and unacknowledged knife, in His way, and in His timing for “our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17).

Comments (1)